The story started around Thanksgiving when I read
my TV Guide announcing holiday specials. I was
thrilled to find out that on a Friday in December, ABC
will air a special Lawrence Brothers Christmas @ 8:00
CST.
The night of the special came. I was relaxed on
the sofa & placed a vcr tape in to record it. The
special started with Joey playing piano & singing
"White Christmas". Then he got up off the bench,
grabbed his mike & sang "Jingle Bell Rock" surrounded
by Santa babes! Then he introduced Matt & Andy.
The special was pretty good. In one comedy
sketch, they had fun dressing up as Christmas elves.
Then the next sketch had them playing hillbilly
cousins in "Cousinly Love" set in Arkadelphia,
Arkansas (Joey even sang a country version of the BL
theme song, hillbilly style with banjos & violins
backing him up). But then, the candy shop sketch
ruined it. An extra who played a candy shop owner
asked what they wanted. Joey & Andy broke into song
singing "The Candy Man". But where's Matthew?
Matthew wasn't allowed to sing on the special
(Lawrence Brothers rules!), so he was forced to
(pardon the pun) look outside the candy store window
(The Agony of Defeat!).
"How could they treat Matt that way?" I yelled to
the tv, "It's injustice, highway robbery! I've had
it! They ruined my Christmas! I'm going to bed!"
I turned off the tv (forgetting to undo the vcr)
& went to bed crying like Lucy
(WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!). Hours later, I couldn't
sleep.
"Sometimes I wish Matthew Lawrence had never
played the guitar & sang. I wish tv history had
changed."
Just then, the ghost of John Hoyt (Grandpa
Stanley Kaniski) came & said,
"Larry J. Hall, you will be visited by 4
Christmas Angels. You'll get your wish. TV history
will be changed."
Just then, an angel appeared who looked like Nell
Carter.
"Larry J. Hall, WAKE UP!" she screamed as I fell
out of bed.
"Who are you?" I asked getting up.
"I'm Angel #1. Let's watch some tv."
Angel #1 & I went to the living room. Then she
had the remote & Gimme A Break was on. Matthew was
watching Joey breakdancing as his boombox played a hip
hop version of "Johnny B. Goode". Nell entered &
turned off Joey's boombox.
"I remember now." I said, "What happened to the
combo? Joey on keys & Matt playing his baby electric
guitar?"
"TV history changed, thanks to you, porcupine!"
she quipped as she punched me in the stomach & conked
me in the head. The next clip had Joey losing Matthew
in New York that instead, Matt ended up being
kidnapped & featured on every milk carton.
Then 30 minutes later, Angel #2 appeared. It was
Michael McShane.
"I'm Angel #2." he said, "Let's see the next
clip."
It was the Art Attack episode on Brotherly Love.
Andy told Leo there's a pigeon on his car. But Leo
was too busy wooing Claire by reading love poems!
"Matt never did 'Pigeon On Your Car' thanks to
you." said Angel #2, "Here's the icing on the cake."
The next clip was the Christmas show. As Matt
came out with his angel outfit on, Joe laughed @ him &
Matt left running back into his bedroom.
"What happened to Silent Night?" I asked.
"Like Thelma Harper once said, 'There's nothing
worse than a pimply faced kid who's voice is changing
trying to hit Sleep In Heavenly Peace!'" (BA-DA BOP!)
I went back to my bed. About 15 minutes later,
Angel #3 appeared.
"Get up you fish-eyed fool!" she yelled, "I'm
Angel #3!"
"Not Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son!" I groaned.
"Watch it sucker!" hitting me with her purse,
"Larry J. Hall, you're nothing but a heathen! This
fanfic's only a stupid sequel to F Rail Loop! Why
don't you accept the fact that Matthew Lawrence is shy
to show his musical side? But you always have to
press your luck writing those heathen fanfics hoping
that Matt will play the guitar & sing soon!"
"Press your luck?" I snapped, "You belong with
the other whammys!"
"You'll pay for this!" she yelled as Angel #3
turned on the tv. Instead of another Matthew Lawrence
disappointment, since I changed tv history, the next
worse thing happened came on.
Announcer with deep voice, "Ladies & gentlemen,
this dapper security officer has hidden a check for
$25,000 in one of these 40 small chests. A lucky
contestant could win fabulous prizes or that grand
prize of $25,000 & a shot @ $1,000,000 on..."
Female voices, "THE NEW TREASURE CHEST/WE HATE
MEN! HOUR!"
Audience applause as announcer says, "Yes! It's
the multi-Emmy Award winning Treasure Chest/We Hate
Men! Hour! Here's your Treasure Chest captain, Al
Geoffrey & We Hate Men! hostess, J.P. White!"
I screamed in panic as they came out together. I
tried escaping, but Angel #3 tackled & sat on me. She
fast forward the tape to the middle of the game. I
couldn't belive it, a Laura Winslow-type contestant
was on the show.
"Laura Marie," sighed Al Geoffrey, pacing back &
forth from the chest, "You chose Chest #24. Could've
taken $1,275 & played it safe. But in Chest #24..."
here it comes as he opens the chest & yells, "IS A
CHECK FOR $25,000!"
Laura Marie screamed her head off as balloons &
confetti fell down & sirens sounding off. Then as the
high school fight song was playing, she picked him up
many times, grabbed the check & paraded around the
stage! Then she went to her grandma (who pulled that
same stunt back in 1974) & gave her a hug!
"You've won $25,000, Laura Marie!" exclaimed Al,
"Not only do you automatically go on to play We Hate
Men!, but a shot @ $1,000,000!"
"No more please!" I begged & cried, "Have mercy!"
"Quiet fool!" she snapped, "Got to watch the
rest."
"This just can't be!" I cried.
"It is, fool!" she snapped, "No male contestants
are allowed on any game show. That law was passed
when you changed tv history!"
"Not all game shows." I said, "What about The
Honeymoon Match? Then that game show would be for..."
"Don't you say that 7 letter word!" she yelled,
"Keep this fanfic clean!"
Again, she fast-forward to the near end of the
game. Laura Marie won all 9 keys & won the game of We
Hate Men!
"Laura Marie, you won We Hate Men! & now you get
the opportunity to win that Lincoln Town Car!" said
J.P., "Since you won $25,000 on Treasure Chest, you'll
only get to choose 1 key. If that key starts the car,
you'll have a Grand Slam Double Play not only winning
$25,000, the Lincoln Town Car, but $1,000,000! Which
key will you choose?"
She chose Joey Lawrence's key. The Prize Is
Priced's Gram Game theme played as Joey got into the
Lincoln Town Car with Laura Marie as J.P. White
exclaimed,
"On the count of 3, 1-2-3!"
You guessed it, the Lincoln Town Car started!
Laura Marie screamed again with balloons falling, the
whoop, Whoop, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOP going, fireworks
exploding & J.P. White handing her a check for
$1,000,000!
"You have completed our Grand Slam Double Play!"
she exclaimed, "Now come over & push down the
detonator. An unlucky male viewer will be blown to
bits! You'll get yours, my pretty (Cackling like a
witch)!"
Angel #3 locked me to a chair, Laura Marie pushed
down the detonator & I exploded into itty bitty
pieces!
Then I woke up sweating bullets as I heard
thunder & lightning! It was only a nightmare, or was
it! But then,
"Don't be afraid, I'm Angel #4."
And to my surprise, Angel #4's Matthew Lawrence
in that same costume from the BL Christmas.
"Larry, tell me what bothers you?" he asked,
"What went wrong?"
"It was Syber Squad & Boy Meets World wedding." I
confessed, "Every time you had a golden opportunity to
perform, they wouldn't let you. How could they do
this to you & the fans? Build up the hopes & then
smash em down like a ton of bricks! You get robbed &
I don't like CHEATERS! That's why I write the
fanfics, to get even!"
"So you have me playing guitar & singing a few
times in various fanfics." said Matt, "Larry, it's ok
to give confidence to me & the fans, I think your
stories are cool. Get a good night's sleep & when you
wake up, watch the rest of the Christmas special. You
left the vcr on."
Angel #4 disappeared as I quipped in doubt,
"Yeah, when 6 gentlemen play Supermarket Sweep!"
So I went back into bed & got a good night's
sleep.
Saturday morning, I woke up & had breakfast.
Then I went to the living room & sure enough, the vcr
tape was ejected. So I put it back in, then
fast-forwarded to where I left off. When I found my
place, I watched the rest of the special. At that
point, Joey addressed the audience.
"To avoid getting any letters from angry fans
(especially from Texas), here's my brother, Matthew
Lawrence!"
The audience applauded as Matt was in a ski lodge
setting with his red electric guitar in hand. And
then...; THE ABC NEWS THEME PLAYS!
"This is a Special Report from ABC News! Here's
Fred Kroppel!"
"Hello, Fred Kroppel here. The President's about
to give his State of The Christmas Address. Let's go
to The White House."
Again, The President had his clarinet playing
"Hark! The Herald Angels Sing".
"This isn't funny!" I cried, "They pull that same
deja vu gag on me like I did on Brotherly Love's 2nd
Christmas!"
So I fast forward the President's concert which
went on for 20 minutes & played it when Fred was back
on.
"From the President, he wishes America a Merry
Christmas. I'm Fred Kroppel, good night."
"THIS HAS BEEN AN ABC NEWS SPECIAL REPORT!"
Then ABC had 20/20 on, joined in progress. The
last portion of their special was never seen.
So I took out the tape & decided that it's not
going to ruin my Christmas. So to cheer myself up, I
started watching "The Bugs Bunny & Tweety Show". But
instead of hearing, "Eh (carrot crunching), What's Up
Doc?"
ABC NEWS THEME!
"This is a Special Report from ABC News! Here's
Fred Kroppel."
"Good morning." he said, "Not since NBC's Heidi
Game error back in 1968, when the last few minutes of
the New York Jets-Oakland Raiders game wasn't seen due
to that children's classic that NBC cut in to. Last
night, we @ ABC received a lot of complaints by
telephone & e-mail from Matthew Lawrence fans. Even
the President's niece was outraged! So we @ ABC wish
to apologize to our viewers. Here's how the rest of
The Lawrence Brothers Christmas Special would've been
seen."
Immediately, I put the tape back in. Matt was in
the ski lodge setting, playing his red electric guitar
& singing the Mel Torme classic, "Chestnuts Roasting
On An Open Fire", I mean, "The Christmas Song" (In
memory of Mel Torme). As he played beautifully & sang
his heart out, I cried for joy. When he finished, he
said,
"Merry Christmas, Larry!" I couldn't believe it
(THE THRILL OF VICTORY!).
The rest of the special went ok. After the
credits, Fred Kroppel said,
"That's how the rest of the special would've
been. Hope you enjoyed it, Lawrence fans. I'm Fred
Kroppel, Merry Christmas!" I turn off tv.
Then instead of a little bell ringing, I heard
the ship's bell & the whoop, Whoop, WHOOOOOOOOOP,
followed by Hurley's cry of "Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo!
Noel, Louie, The Peas! Noel, Louie, The Peas!"
Then I sang the last two stanzas of Hark The
Herald Angels Sing, singing these butchered lyrics.
"All the angels earned their wings,
Game show sounds, that's comedy!
Matthew Lawrence pulled it off,
Justice was done, so long, good-bye!"
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